So, I had an interesting conversation tonight with two friends. I was asked what turns me off about a girl instantaneously, and I responded with these items:
1. REALLY likes cats. Like a lot.
2. Is radically feminist – to the point of uncontrollable hatred towards anything male .
3. Has ugly baby photos.
4. Is a werewolf.
Sadly, only item #4 was a joke. The other three items stem from true, uncomfortable real life situations. There will be more on that later.
Anyway, I got to thinking. While dating a werewolf has its drawbacks (potentially being eaten alive, becoming a werewolf yourself, having to use a lint roller because of the shedding), dating a werewolf actually wouldn’t be that bad. I have been inspired with 10 reasons why dating a werewolf might quite possibly be the best thing to ever happen to my love life.
Girls tend to have crazy hormonal shifts on a monthly basis. Sadly, they often come at unpredictable times and with disastrous consequences. If I dated a werewolf, I would know exactly when the hormonal shift was to occur – every month during the full moon. Using an almanac or the interwebs, I could track the waxing and waning of the moon. When a full moon is fast approaching, I will know to sweep out my werewolf shelter, buy some snacks, make an iTunes playlist, lock the door, load my handgun with silver bullets, and await the storm. Once the dreaded night is over and my beautiful mate has returned to her human form, most likely without recollection of the previous night, I can nurse her back to health, be there with her favorite chocolates and chick flicks, and win major boyfriend points.
2. BEST FRIENDS
It is well established that a dog is a man’s best friend. Need I say more? If I dated a werewolf, she and I would be inseparable.
3. CUDDLING? YES.
Dogs are amazing for cuddling. They just have a way about them. They curl up next to you, put their head on your chest, keep you warm at night, and never want you to go. If I dated a werewolf, this girl would have trace elements of canine qualities. I feel like we would have excellent cuddle sessions, and I would sleep securely every night knowing that someone will be there in the morning to gently nuzzle me awake. Plus, hospital studies have shown that having dogs around helps to reduce stress, speed recovery, and release serotonin and dopamine in the brain. My life would be wonderful.
4. ULTIMATE FRISBEE CHAMPS
I’ll be honest, it would be nice to date an athletic girl. If I dated a werewolf, not only would my girlfriend have incredible agility, speed, and stamina, she would also have sharpened frisbee catching skills. I’m not sure how catching a frisbee in her mouth repeatedly would damage her teeth, but I figure if I give her an expensive, professional grade mouth guard for her birthday or Christmas she’d be okay. If I dated a werewolf, not only would I have an athletic girlfriend, but I would also be an Ultimate Frisbee Champion. I guarantee it. We’d be unstoppable.
I really like to go on long walks, regardless of the time of year. But sometimes, it sucks to go alone. If I dated a werewolf, she’d always be down for a walk.
6. CHEAPER DATES
If I dated a werewolf, the cost of dates would decrease substantially. I would no longer have to pay for two meals at dinner time. I would only have to purchase a larger one for myself, eat most of it, and then feed her the scraps under the table. She’d be totally fine with it.
7. GIRLS’ NIGHT OUT
Sometimes guys get to wondering what girls do when they go out with their gal pals. Where is she? Is she on the prowl? I hope she’s not around other guys. I hope she’s safe. If I dated a werewolf, I wouldn’t have to worry about what she’s doing when she goes out with the girls. I will know exactly what’s up. Where is she? Let’s be honest, probably in the woods staring at the moon. Is she on the prowl? Heck yeah she is – but not in the way that would worry me. Would I hope she was not around other guys? You better believe it, but not for my sake – for theirs. Seriously. I don’t want any half eaten dead guys turning up in the neighbor’s yard. Is she safe? You best believe it. Most people, unless they’re trained marksmen that happen to believe in werewolves to the point where they carry silver bullets with them in their pockets, would not be able to win against a werewolf in a violent encounter. My girl would be able to kick butt and take names. I’d never have to worry. When it’s her night to go out, she’ll be out on the prowl. I’ll be on the couch, playing Xbox.
8. NO TWILIGHT
I really like watching movies. Most movies I can stomach. I love bad movies, I love good movies, I love foreign films, I love chick flicks, I love action movies, I love just about anything. But Twilight? No. If I dated a werewolf, we would never have to watch it because her life would be WAY cooler than anything stupid shirtless Taylor Lautner could do on screen. She would realize how absurd the character development is, given the fact that she has experienced human/werewolf romantic interaction herself.
9. CHURCH ATTENDANCE AS A CUTE COUPLE
Religion is a very important part of my life. I want to have a family where regular scripture study, Sabbath observance, prayer, and service to others are staples of our family experience. Vampires, witches, wizards, skeletons, demons – all of these things tend to have negative feelings about religion, churches, and God in general. Not werewolves. Werewolves can attend church without bursting into flames, have no weakness that has anything to do with sacred objects, and are generally pretty open minded when it comes to finding cures for their problems in life. If I dated a werewolf, I’d be able to realize my dream of having a happy, Mormon family.
10. ADORABLE KIDS
Think of the top three cutest things in the entire world. If you are a normal, rational human being who watches YouTube videos and/or Vines of cute things, your top three would most likely include a variable ranking between these three parties: Babies, Kittens, and Puppies. I love puppies. I love babies. Cats? Eh. But two out of three ain’t bad, right? And it takes two to make a baby. Imagine a tasteful blend of a baby and a puppy. If I married a werewolf, my kids would be ADORABLE. So adorable that other people would want to watch them doing adorable things. On the internet. My YouTube account would rack up the money from Google AdSense payments because of the millions of views we’d be getting, and my adorable puppy-baby’s college tuition would be paid for in no time. What’s better than an adorable puppy child? An adorable puppy child with degrees at Princeton, Harvard, and Yale – FOR FREE.
Thus concludes my top 10 reasons why I should marry a werewolf.